Eat My Words #245

This whole second set of twins/five kids experience has pretty much put me in my place.

• Feel pity for friends who accidentally end up with five kids and talk about it - end up with five kids yourself.  
• Make fun of a minivan and swear you will never drive one - end up driving a minivan.
• Make fun and think people who make their own baby food are crazy - find yourself mixing up a batch of this....

 And it went over like this.....

Gerber may not be calling for that chef position anytime soon

Half A$$ Christmas

It is appropriate that I am writing this post on January 9th 10th 11th 12th- it pretty much goes with the theme that I have been operating on all holiday season.  Part "Better Late than Never" and part "Ah Crap - I Forgot to do That!"   Buying presents, baking cookies, decorating, remembering to put Christmas CDs in the car, being in the holiday spirit, reading Christmas stories, taking a holiday picture for the Christmas cards you are supposed to send before December 25th -- all are more difficult to remember to do, or to find time to do, when you are keeping track of 5 little people.  So, I have christened this past holiday season the "Half A$$ Christmas".  Here's a little sampling of holiday activities that I slacked on.....

Ah - my grandmother's awesome retro Santa plate, begging for a heaping sample of sptriz cookies, sugar cookie cutouts, white chocolate dipped pretzels and peanut-butter filled ritz crackers, chocolate crinkles, and oreo balls.  Instead - its covered with a broken Marvin the Martin ornament, expired Kholes coupon, 2 doctor appointment reminder cards, children's church check-in card, and a piece broken off one of the girls' headbands.

I made 1, count it 1, batch of Chrismas cookies which I took to a neighbor's house when we were invited over there for dinner so I could fake my holiday baking.  So, instead of being laden with holiday goodies as he was meant to be, poor Santa served as a holiday junk holder.

The beautiful holiday door welcoming all who enter.  See that greenery framing the door - it looks gorgeous when all lit up at night.  Key is, you've got to run an extension cord from the greenery to the plug-in to make it glow.  Cord never got run, greenery never was glowin. Adorned by 2 adorable matching trees that we just had to buy this year to make our entry perfect.  Well, the 2 for $14.99 trees apparently aren't too heavy, and so they spent much of the holiday season tipped over or falling off their stands at the slightest breeze.  After the 29th time of picking them up, we just gave up and pretty much left them as you see in the picture.

Why the shopping bag you ask...??Well, a couple of our gifts to my nephew's were wrapped in bags like these because we realized while in the throws of Christmas morning present opening, that the boys' gifts were still sitting in the storage cargo under the middle row of the van.  So, while everyone else was unwrapping, I ran out to the van, grabbed the gifts, the closest bags available (I think it was a brown paper Chili's bag and some other random shopping container), and shoved them in!

Stockings hung by the fire...ready for Santa.  Though it looks like 2 out of the 7 of us are going to be shorted.  Never got around to ordering another 2 stockings for the new little people.  Hopefully #4 and #5 won't look back at the 2011 holiday photos and realize there were no goodie holders hung with care for them.  And if they do, it turns into parental lie time when we tell them hubby and I didn't have stockings that year...I knew there was a reason I never had them name embroidered.

The crown jewel of all holiday decorations - the tree.  I have to say, from this angle it doesn't look too bad.  But, if you look a little closer, you will notice that you can see a whole lotta wall behind the tree.

Since L and I were married, we have always gone as a family (no matter how many kids) to pick out the tree.  We went tree shopping 3 weekends before Christmas - that Saturday was beautiful - sunny, warm for December, a great day to pick out a tree.

We didn't go that day.

We went the day after - a cold, wet, rainy Sunday.  We loaded all 5 kids in the car after church and headed to our traditional family site and oasis for picking out perfect trees - The Home Depot.  L and I went back and forth the whole way there - pick out a soggy gross tree out in the wet or give up, go home, and have a tree-less holiday.  I couldn't fathom the idea of no tree, so we got everyone out of the car after a long chat about puddle avoidance in church clothes, and went to get our tree.

There were lots of trees that were beautiful - full, shapely, lush,.......... and 3 feet tall.  Move over to the 5 foot + area, and there were 3.  One looked like someone had shaved off the back side, one looked like it had been on a drunken binder for about a week, and then there was this one... holey, a bit barren, missing a large chunk on one side, and ours for the taking.  We christened it the Charlie Brown Christmas tree, loaded it on the van, and brought it home.

Even with strategically placed extra-large red glittery snowflakes, you can still see the spaces.  But, I figure it kinda fits the holiday we had.  A little bit ragged, a bit holey, but beautiful if you glance at it quickly and keep moving.

PS - It's January 12th.  The tree is still sitting in our living room - de-ornamented, de-garlanded, and de-lighted, but still standing in all its holey glory. Who wants to place bets on when it makes it outta here???? I'm sayin March at the earliest.....

Worth the Crazy

As nuts as life can be, moments like this make it all worth it

Martha I am Not

A couple weeks ago, we decided to invite all the neighbors over for Halloween dinner before trick-or-treating began.  There were several reasons we decided to do this:

1 - Our neighbors have been AWESOME in regards to support, love, caring and anything else you can provide since we moved here a year and a half ago.  They hosted a baby shower, basically fed us for a month after the babies were born, and have had us over to their homes time and time again for meals, socializing, etc.  We figured it was time to share the love.

2 - My parents were here.  We had 2 extra adults to assist. Adults - 4, Kids - 5.  4/5 ratio looked good.

3 - Trick or Treating started at 6pm.  Really, people would only be over here for an hour or so.  We figured we could somewhat fake control for 60 minutes - right?

I started digging around and found these awesome cupcakes on one of the blogs I stalk.  You know, one of those blogs where all the food looks amazing, the authors talk about how easy everything is to make, and they give away cool things that you never win, have 8 kids that they homeschool, travel to blogging conferences, have book deals, and look super cute in their blog photos which make you think they always look like that and then you start wondering why can't I be that amazing......  But I digress....

Ah the cupcakes...Aren't they beautiful?  A Halloween masterpiece. And really, how hard could it be?  A cake mix, some food coloring, muffin cups?  Piece of cake.  And how fabulous would I be - making these amazing cupcakes that everyone would love and swoon over.

"Did you try the cupcakes?  They are amazing!"  


"Heather - these cupcakes are adorable!  How do you find the time?"


"You are the most amazing baker I have ever known!  5 kids and still time to prepare this slice of heaven!"

So the night before the big shin dig, I pulled the fancy mixer out from the back of the cupboard, blew off the dust caked all over it, and commenced Project Awesome Cupcake Baking.  Decided to make a double batch - who knew how many people were going to be here, and these cupcakes would be so fabulous everyone would at least want two.

Figured it would take me 20 minutes to mix them up and stick them in the muffin pans - bake them for 30 minutes and frost the next day.............An hour and a half later, fingers dyed yellow and batter all over the counter, cupcakes went into the oven.  Apparently, dying batter and layering it in muffin cups is a little more time intensive than I imagined.  But all was good - they were baked and all I had to do was frost them the next day.

Fast forward 12 hours - back in the kitchen with the dusty mixer and the Perfect Cupcake Frosting recipe pulled up. According to the food blog goddesses, this is the Perfect Cupcake Frosting.  How could I pass that up?  No canned frosting for my guests - they were getting the best frosting ever!

"Oh my gosh - have you tasted the frosting on these cupcakes? It's like eating a cloud from heaven!"


"Heather - you must give me this recipe.  You are so amazing!  This is delicious!"


"I don't think I can ever have frosting again unless it is frosting you have prepared!"


Now, this is not your regular throw a bunch of stuff in the mixer whip it up frosting.  It involves heating things in saucepans, beating so long you thing the mixer is going to break, and other strange steps.  But, I knew I could tackle it.  I began my first batch and 45 minutes later I had this beautiful white fluffy frosting that did taste amazing - I could probably have eaten the entire bowl of it myself.  But, I was preparing it for my beloved guests - so frosting of the amazing double layered cupcakes I commenced.  And quickly realized I had nowhere near enough.  I checked the recipe again and realized I hadn't read closely enough.....

"Makes enough to frost 12 cupcakes"  

Argggghhhhh! (Ok, it was a different word than that, but my kids may read this blog later in life I don't want them to think I am a complete cusser)

I had made a double batch of cupcakes - so I was looking at 48 cupcakes covering the counter, all naked and begging for frosting. I had 11 done and no frosting left (Would've had 12 done, but I partook of my labors a bit).

Batch #2, tripled this time, of the 87 Step Worlds Most Amazing Frosting Recipe.....

So, an hour and a half later, I gaze upon my countertop covered with beatiful amazing Halloween cupcakes and gently adorn each one with a single candycorn.  I didn't have enough room on my serving platter (OK, it's really more of a large plate, my non-Martha-ness doesn't own any serving platters, especially of the Halloween persuasion), so I stuck the rest of the cupcakes on my baking stone and stuck them in the oven for the sake of counter space.

While doing this I said to all adults around me, "Don't let me forget that these are in the oven ok?"

You can see where this is going can't you?

About 30 minutes later, and 20 minutes before guests were to arrive, I headed upstairs to pump.  Right before I go, I turn the oven on to get ready to bake the Mummy Dogs (That's right - on top of fabulous cupcakes, I was also serving adorable hot dogs wrapped in crescent rolls so they look like mummies.  I am brilliant!)

While sitting there having my quality pumping time and dreaming of how fabulous an event we were going to have with all the fabulous food I had prepared, I hear the sound of windows being rapidly opened downstairs.  There is only one reason multiple windows are opened that fast in our house, and it usually has to do with something smokin and stinkin.   In less than 2.5 nanoseconds, I put it all together and screamed from my pumping position.....

"AHHHHHHH - THE CUPCAKES!!!!"

I quickly uncorked myself, ran downstairs, and saw half my beautiful cupcakes covered with melted frosting chucked into the sink. The pungent smell of burning frosting on the bottom of the oven permeated through the smoky air.

All that work to make the extra batches, the extra frosting, melting in the sink.

My mom gave me a hug and said, "You still have half them left.  It'll be fine."

And it was - I still had an entire plate of cupcakes to serve, so I set them out with some other treats that my mom and the kids had made the day before.  I felt bad there weren't enough cupcakes for each person, but figured it would be ok.

The party went great - everyone had a good time, we all survived, the food was eaten, the drinks were drank, and we made some wonderful Halloween memories.

The hot dogs were eaten, the apples and dip were eaten, the frito corn salad was eaten.............................

....................and I had an entire plate of UNEATEN cupcakes.  Not one beautiful delicious oven-disaster surviving CandyCorn cupcake was gone.

So, for 4 or so hours of blood, sweat, food colored fingers and tears, I ended up with half the cupcakes in the sink, and the other half still sitting there on the plate lookin at me.

So, the next time I'm stalking a food blog and think how cute and delicious and easy and "I can make that" some holiday food item looks, I'm just going to pull up this picture of cupcakes that my husband sent me from his office, the day after Halloween, before he took my dear neglected cupcakes down to the break room where all uneaten food goes to die....

And I'll click back to "Hip Momma in a Shoe" and remember that Martha I am Not.

Hip Momma's Halloween Candy Buying Guide (3 weeks late)

Here is what I have learned about buying Halloween candy.  Thought I would share it with you so you would avoid the same mistake next year that I have made...

If you buy this....

 You are gonna end up with a lot of this...

 Before the trick or treaters even ring your doorbell

So you have to buy this......

You may get the rep of being the house with the lame a$$ candy, but you are saving yourself at least 5 lbs and a pant size.  Take it from me - I've lived it.

And We're Public.....

Over the past couple months, we haven't gone out in public with all five kiddos unless it was completely unavoidable.  That equated to me taking them all once a week to G's gymnastics session because there was no other way around it or over to a neighbor's house if they were crazy enough to invite us for dinner. 

For everything else one of us would stay behind with at least the babies while the other one ventured out with the other kids.  No grocery store, no church, no Target as an entire family unit.  We used the excuse of not wanting to take the babies out in public for germ avoidance, but deep down in the back of my mind I wanted to avoid the freak show parade.

The time has come to take the freak show on the road....

In the past couple weeks, we have conquered the following outings.....

1 - Costco (early on a Sunday morning to avoid the crowds)

2 - The Children's Museum Haunted House (all by myself thank you very much)

3 - Neighborhood Halloween Parade (complete with coordinating themed costumes)

From these adventures, I have figured out some "Rules of the Road" so to speak 

1.  Divide and Mystify - By placing children in different transportation devices and making sure to maintain distance between the pushers, no one is really sure if we go together or not. Spread out walking children as well

2.  Nod, Smile, and Keep Moving - It's harder to ask questions to a moving target

3. Pre-Outing Stiff Drink and Extra Deodorent  is a Must - Calms the nerves and combats the excess stress sweat

4. Preparation is the Key - Make sure to have 10 back-up pacis, enough snacks to support an army for at least a week, and three changes of clothes per kid to ensure that nothing happens.  Go unprepared and all hell is guaranteed to break loose

5.  Have a Stock Funny Comment Ready to Go - There's not really time to think up snarky comments on the fly while trying to keep track of 5 kids, so prep and practice one before you head out in public.  I like "5 Kids?  Really?  I didn't even notice!" but have also used "I had no idea there were this many with me." 

6.  Remember that This Too Shall Pass - Really, this will only be an issue for the next 10-15 years of my life.  That's not too long right?  I'm sure we will look fondly back and say things like "Remember how great it was that time we all went to WalMart at 10am on a Saturday morning when they were little?  I sure miss that."

Yeah right.....

The good thing is every time I return from a entire family outing, I feel like I have conquered my own little Everest.  People should be lining our driveway cheering for us as we pull in, or patting us on the back and giving us high fives as we load everyone back into the car. We have returned with the same amount of children that we left with, no one was injured, and we weren't asked to leave anywhere.

I think that is a pretty darn big deal.

Birthday Musings

Amazing what motherhood and an aging mind does to you...

Today's my birthday - not telling you that because I expect all my thousands (ok, five not including my mom) of readers to wish me a wonderful day, send me flowers and cards, or write amazing witty comments on my facebook page.  Just telling you because it has made me think - think about how differently I approached my birthday 10 or 20 or (ahem) 30+ years ago.

I remember for the first 20 or so years of my life, this event was something that I started counting down to in early October.  Once Halloween was past, I knew my special day was coming.  The night before,  I would lay my head on the pillow and think, "This is the last night I am going to be 9, or 15, or a teenager, or not of drinking age, or still in my 20's".  It was exciting because it was my special day - the day I didn't share with anyone in my family, the day I got the attention, the day I felt just a little more special.

Last night when I went to bed, I didn't think about that at all.  Not one "This is the last night I will be 36!" or "Tomorrow is my special day!" Honestly, if I had been thinking like that, I probably would have had to do some serious math to figure out how old I actually was going to be before I recognized its passing of the previous year.

For some reason, the older you get, the more you loose track of how old you are.  Maybe it's because you've passed up all those "age" milestones - I have my very own library card, I can drive, I can vote, and I can buy a nice bottle of Strawberry Boone's at the corner liqueur store without becoming sweaty and nervous as I check out.  After that, what's the big deal?  I'm not counting down the years until I'm eligible to join AARP, and the way the economy is going all my kids are going to be living in my basement until they are 35 anyway so I don't really have a motherhood retirement date to look forward to.

To be honest, today is just another ordinary day - I went grocery shopping with 3 kids in tow, did a couple loads of laundry, argued with my toddler about nap, changed a bunch of wet diapers - with some well wishes thrown on top. And I'm not complaining about that because it is what it is.  Where my life is right now I don't get the chance to head to the spa for a couple hours, or have a leisurely bday dinner at a fancy restaurant with my husband, or eat cake at 2 in the afternoon with my coworkers.

But that's ok - because I got 3 birthday hugs and "Happy Birthday Mom" from three cute kids I love at breakfast, a "Happy Birthday Honey" from a wonderful husband this morning, and lots of adorable baby smiles and coos (that's "Happy Birthday" in baby-speak for those of you who can't translate).  There are well wishes from dear friends and family in the form of wall posts and phone calls and texts, and maybe a card or two in the mail once it arrives.  And my cup runneth over.....

Gone are the days of dreaming about my presents, my cake, my party, and my "day of special-ness".  I am now full tilt into "Oh crap, I'm closer to 40 than I thought!" and "Can you please be nice to mommy today because it's her birthday?" and "I love the Barbie Princess birthday card you picked out - it is just what I wanted!".  Funny thing is, if I had a chance, I don't think I would go back.

OK, that's a lie - I would go back for the fancy restaurant date night with my husband, but that's it....

And maybe a day of not changing diapers....

Or not arguing with the toddler about nap.....

Or grocery shopping by myself......