Martha I am Not

A couple weeks ago, we decided to invite all the neighbors over for Halloween dinner before trick-or-treating began.  There were several reasons we decided to do this:

1 - Our neighbors have been AWESOME in regards to support, love, caring and anything else you can provide since we moved here a year and a half ago.  They hosted a baby shower, basically fed us for a month after the babies were born, and have had us over to their homes time and time again for meals, socializing, etc.  We figured it was time to share the love.

2 - My parents were here.  We had 2 extra adults to assist. Adults - 4, Kids - 5.  4/5 ratio looked good.

3 - Trick or Treating started at 6pm.  Really, people would only be over here for an hour or so.  We figured we could somewhat fake control for 60 minutes - right?

I started digging around and found these awesome cupcakes on one of the blogs I stalk.  You know, one of those blogs where all the food looks amazing, the authors talk about how easy everything is to make, and they give away cool things that you never win, have 8 kids that they homeschool, travel to blogging conferences, have book deals, and look super cute in their blog photos which make you think they always look like that and then you start wondering why can't I be that amazing......  But I digress....

Ah the cupcakes...Aren't they beautiful?  A Halloween masterpiece. And really, how hard could it be?  A cake mix, some food coloring, muffin cups?  Piece of cake.  And how fabulous would I be - making these amazing cupcakes that everyone would love and swoon over.

"Did you try the cupcakes?  They are amazing!"  


"Heather - these cupcakes are adorable!  How do you find the time?"


"You are the most amazing baker I have ever known!  5 kids and still time to prepare this slice of heaven!"

So the night before the big shin dig, I pulled the fancy mixer out from the back of the cupboard, blew off the dust caked all over it, and commenced Project Awesome Cupcake Baking.  Decided to make a double batch - who knew how many people were going to be here, and these cupcakes would be so fabulous everyone would at least want two.

Figured it would take me 20 minutes to mix them up and stick them in the muffin pans - bake them for 30 minutes and frost the next day.............An hour and a half later, fingers dyed yellow and batter all over the counter, cupcakes went into the oven.  Apparently, dying batter and layering it in muffin cups is a little more time intensive than I imagined.  But all was good - they were baked and all I had to do was frost them the next day.

Fast forward 12 hours - back in the kitchen with the dusty mixer and the Perfect Cupcake Frosting recipe pulled up. According to the food blog goddesses, this is the Perfect Cupcake Frosting.  How could I pass that up?  No canned frosting for my guests - they were getting the best frosting ever!

"Oh my gosh - have you tasted the frosting on these cupcakes? It's like eating a cloud from heaven!"


"Heather - you must give me this recipe.  You are so amazing!  This is delicious!"


"I don't think I can ever have frosting again unless it is frosting you have prepared!"


Now, this is not your regular throw a bunch of stuff in the mixer whip it up frosting.  It involves heating things in saucepans, beating so long you thing the mixer is going to break, and other strange steps.  But, I knew I could tackle it.  I began my first batch and 45 minutes later I had this beautiful white fluffy frosting that did taste amazing - I could probably have eaten the entire bowl of it myself.  But, I was preparing it for my beloved guests - so frosting of the amazing double layered cupcakes I commenced.  And quickly realized I had nowhere near enough.  I checked the recipe again and realized I hadn't read closely enough.....

"Makes enough to frost 12 cupcakes"  

Argggghhhhh! (Ok, it was a different word than that, but my kids may read this blog later in life I don't want them to think I am a complete cusser)

I had made a double batch of cupcakes - so I was looking at 48 cupcakes covering the counter, all naked and begging for frosting. I had 11 done and no frosting left (Would've had 12 done, but I partook of my labors a bit).

Batch #2, tripled this time, of the 87 Step Worlds Most Amazing Frosting Recipe.....

So, an hour and a half later, I gaze upon my countertop covered with beatiful amazing Halloween cupcakes and gently adorn each one with a single candycorn.  I didn't have enough room on my serving platter (OK, it's really more of a large plate, my non-Martha-ness doesn't own any serving platters, especially of the Halloween persuasion), so I stuck the rest of the cupcakes on my baking stone and stuck them in the oven for the sake of counter space.

While doing this I said to all adults around me, "Don't let me forget that these are in the oven ok?"

You can see where this is going can't you?

About 30 minutes later, and 20 minutes before guests were to arrive, I headed upstairs to pump.  Right before I go, I turn the oven on to get ready to bake the Mummy Dogs (That's right - on top of fabulous cupcakes, I was also serving adorable hot dogs wrapped in crescent rolls so they look like mummies.  I am brilliant!)

While sitting there having my quality pumping time and dreaming of how fabulous an event we were going to have with all the fabulous food I had prepared, I hear the sound of windows being rapidly opened downstairs.  There is only one reason multiple windows are opened that fast in our house, and it usually has to do with something smokin and stinkin.   In less than 2.5 nanoseconds, I put it all together and screamed from my pumping position.....

"AHHHHHHH - THE CUPCAKES!!!!"

I quickly uncorked myself, ran downstairs, and saw half my beautiful cupcakes covered with melted frosting chucked into the sink. The pungent smell of burning frosting on the bottom of the oven permeated through the smoky air.

All that work to make the extra batches, the extra frosting, melting in the sink.

My mom gave me a hug and said, "You still have half them left.  It'll be fine."

And it was - I still had an entire plate of cupcakes to serve, so I set them out with some other treats that my mom and the kids had made the day before.  I felt bad there weren't enough cupcakes for each person, but figured it would be ok.

The party went great - everyone had a good time, we all survived, the food was eaten, the drinks were drank, and we made some wonderful Halloween memories.

The hot dogs were eaten, the apples and dip were eaten, the frito corn salad was eaten.............................

....................and I had an entire plate of UNEATEN cupcakes.  Not one beautiful delicious oven-disaster surviving CandyCorn cupcake was gone.

So, for 4 or so hours of blood, sweat, food colored fingers and tears, I ended up with half the cupcakes in the sink, and the other half still sitting there on the plate lookin at me.

So, the next time I'm stalking a food blog and think how cute and delicious and easy and "I can make that" some holiday food item looks, I'm just going to pull up this picture of cupcakes that my husband sent me from his office, the day after Halloween, before he took my dear neglected cupcakes down to the break room where all uneaten food goes to die....

And I'll click back to "Hip Momma in a Shoe" and remember that Martha I am Not.

Hip Momma's Halloween Candy Buying Guide (3 weeks late)

Here is what I have learned about buying Halloween candy.  Thought I would share it with you so you would avoid the same mistake next year that I have made...

If you buy this....

 You are gonna end up with a lot of this...

 Before the trick or treaters even ring your doorbell

So you have to buy this......

You may get the rep of being the house with the lame a$$ candy, but you are saving yourself at least 5 lbs and a pant size.  Take it from me - I've lived it.

And We're Public.....

Over the past couple months, we haven't gone out in public with all five kiddos unless it was completely unavoidable.  That equated to me taking them all once a week to G's gymnastics session because there was no other way around it or over to a neighbor's house if they were crazy enough to invite us for dinner. 

For everything else one of us would stay behind with at least the babies while the other one ventured out with the other kids.  No grocery store, no church, no Target as an entire family unit.  We used the excuse of not wanting to take the babies out in public for germ avoidance, but deep down in the back of my mind I wanted to avoid the freak show parade.

The time has come to take the freak show on the road....

In the past couple weeks, we have conquered the following outings.....

1 - Costco (early on a Sunday morning to avoid the crowds)

2 - The Children's Museum Haunted House (all by myself thank you very much)

3 - Neighborhood Halloween Parade (complete with coordinating themed costumes)

From these adventures, I have figured out some "Rules of the Road" so to speak 

1.  Divide and Mystify - By placing children in different transportation devices and making sure to maintain distance between the pushers, no one is really sure if we go together or not. Spread out walking children as well

2.  Nod, Smile, and Keep Moving - It's harder to ask questions to a moving target

3. Pre-Outing Stiff Drink and Extra Deodorent  is a Must - Calms the nerves and combats the excess stress sweat

4. Preparation is the Key - Make sure to have 10 back-up pacis, enough snacks to support an army for at least a week, and three changes of clothes per kid to ensure that nothing happens.  Go unprepared and all hell is guaranteed to break loose

5.  Have a Stock Funny Comment Ready to Go - There's not really time to think up snarky comments on the fly while trying to keep track of 5 kids, so prep and practice one before you head out in public.  I like "5 Kids?  Really?  I didn't even notice!" but have also used "I had no idea there were this many with me." 

6.  Remember that This Too Shall Pass - Really, this will only be an issue for the next 10-15 years of my life.  That's not too long right?  I'm sure we will look fondly back and say things like "Remember how great it was that time we all went to WalMart at 10am on a Saturday morning when they were little?  I sure miss that."

Yeah right.....

The good thing is every time I return from a entire family outing, I feel like I have conquered my own little Everest.  People should be lining our driveway cheering for us as we pull in, or patting us on the back and giving us high fives as we load everyone back into the car. We have returned with the same amount of children that we left with, no one was injured, and we weren't asked to leave anywhere.

I think that is a pretty darn big deal.

Birthday Musings

Amazing what motherhood and an aging mind does to you...

Today's my birthday - not telling you that because I expect all my thousands (ok, five not including my mom) of readers to wish me a wonderful day, send me flowers and cards, or write amazing witty comments on my facebook page.  Just telling you because it has made me think - think about how differently I approached my birthday 10 or 20 or (ahem) 30+ years ago.

I remember for the first 20 or so years of my life, this event was something that I started counting down to in early October.  Once Halloween was past, I knew my special day was coming.  The night before,  I would lay my head on the pillow and think, "This is the last night I am going to be 9, or 15, or a teenager, or not of drinking age, or still in my 20's".  It was exciting because it was my special day - the day I didn't share with anyone in my family, the day I got the attention, the day I felt just a little more special.

Last night when I went to bed, I didn't think about that at all.  Not one "This is the last night I will be 36!" or "Tomorrow is my special day!" Honestly, if I had been thinking like that, I probably would have had to do some serious math to figure out how old I actually was going to be before I recognized its passing of the previous year.

For some reason, the older you get, the more you loose track of how old you are.  Maybe it's because you've passed up all those "age" milestones - I have my very own library card, I can drive, I can vote, and I can buy a nice bottle of Strawberry Boone's at the corner liqueur store without becoming sweaty and nervous as I check out.  After that, what's the big deal?  I'm not counting down the years until I'm eligible to join AARP, and the way the economy is going all my kids are going to be living in my basement until they are 35 anyway so I don't really have a motherhood retirement date to look forward to.

To be honest, today is just another ordinary day - I went grocery shopping with 3 kids in tow, did a couple loads of laundry, argued with my toddler about nap, changed a bunch of wet diapers - with some well wishes thrown on top. And I'm not complaining about that because it is what it is.  Where my life is right now I don't get the chance to head to the spa for a couple hours, or have a leisurely bday dinner at a fancy restaurant with my husband, or eat cake at 2 in the afternoon with my coworkers.

But that's ok - because I got 3 birthday hugs and "Happy Birthday Mom" from three cute kids I love at breakfast, a "Happy Birthday Honey" from a wonderful husband this morning, and lots of adorable baby smiles and coos (that's "Happy Birthday" in baby-speak for those of you who can't translate).  There are well wishes from dear friends and family in the form of wall posts and phone calls and texts, and maybe a card or two in the mail once it arrives.  And my cup runneth over.....

Gone are the days of dreaming about my presents, my cake, my party, and my "day of special-ness".  I am now full tilt into "Oh crap, I'm closer to 40 than I thought!" and "Can you please be nice to mommy today because it's her birthday?" and "I love the Barbie Princess birthday card you picked out - it is just what I wanted!".  Funny thing is, if I had a chance, I don't think I would go back.

OK, that's a lie - I would go back for the fancy restaurant date night with my husband, but that's it....

And maybe a day of not changing diapers....

Or not arguing with the toddler about nap.....

Or grocery shopping by myself......

Dear Jillian

Dear Jillian Michaels,

The past couple days, I've had the pleasure of spending some time completing your 30 Day Shred.  I am finding your workout fairly do-able for a mom of 5.  But, after completing the workout three times this past week, I discovered some aspects of exercise for a mom of young children that you have missed.  So, if you don't mind, I've reworked the exercise routine to make it more "mom" relatable.

Pre-Workout Prep
1 - Gather large pile of books and toys to keep 2 year old occupied (can do this at slow jog to start increasing heart rate)
2 - Place babies in cribs, pacifiers engaged, swaddled tight to ensure at least 20 minutes of sleep (while doing deep knee bends)
3 - Use restroom 3 times in attempt to empty bladder in hopes to avoid any "accidents" during workout (do leg lifts on potty to warm up calves)

Warm-Up
1-Arm Circles
2- Knee Circles
3- Arm Crosses
Interrupt at least three times to change over laundry, help toddler use the restroom, give toddler a fruit snack for successfully using the potty, and answer phone

Strength Section

1- Bicep Curls
After 5 curls, start encouraging your 2 year old to "Copy the lady on TV!" to entertain her since the large pile of toys and books have lost their mojo.
Run upstairs while continuing curls.  Continue curling with one arm while other puts paci back in screaming baby's mouth.
Squat/Shoulder press Combo
Begin section with argument with 2 year old about how "Mommy Needs the Hand-Weights Right Now!", chase her around living room, and wrestle weights away from her.  Attempt to catch up with exercises on screen after regaining control of hand-weights and ignoring screaming of 2 year old.
Repeat above exercises
.....stopping once to place toddler in time out since she again has stolen your hand weights after you asked her 3 times to leave them alone

Cardio
Jumping Jacks
Complete 1 minute of Jumping Jacks while crossing legs or holding legs tightly together to minimize stress on bladder
Butt Kicks
Do for 5 seconds when you realize baby upstairs is screaming again
Continue Butt Kicks while you run upstairs to put paci in baby's mouth and return downstairs
Go back upstairs again because other baby is now screaming - continue butt kicks but with minimal jostling as you carry baby downstairs and place in swing

Abs
Lay on ground and begin crunches
While crunching scoot on back over to swing and push button on fishy-mobile thing to try to distract baby, then remove toddler who has climbed on top of your stomach and yelled "horsey!" and resume crunches

Now, this is just a sampling of the additional aspects of the workout that I think you should include.  If you are interested in hearing more of my insights and ideas, I would be more than happy to outline those for Sections 2 and 3 of your workout routine.  Thanks so much for creating a short and effective workout routine that, in theory, should be perfect for moms like me.  Maybe I'll email you my before and after pictures once I have completed your workout plan - I am sure I will look pretty darn good once I Photoshop out the tummy stretch marks, dark circles under my eyes, and find a workout outfit that actually matches or doesn't have spit up on the shoulder.

Your faithful trainee,

Heather

Out in Public

I spent a little bit of time out in public this morning, and decided I needed to get the following information out there:

Dear People Who Think They are Hilarious When they See me out in Public Carrying 2 Babies in Infant Carriers:

"Boy, you've got your hands full!"  (Laugh laugh laugh)

is not really that original or funny.  You may think you are being clever or unique, but sadly you are not.

Dear People Who Ask Me the Following Question When they See me out in Public Carrying 2 Babies in Infant Carriers:

"Are they Twins?"

What else could they possibly be?  Why else would I be carrying 2 babies who are exactly the same size around in baby buckets? Do you think one is mine and I just borrowed the other one?

Dear People Who Look at Both Babies Usually Dressed in Pink and Blue and Then Ask:

"Are they identical?"

Their parts don't match - so no, they're not.  I suggest maybe a refresher course in anatomy, or biology, or something to that effect.....

Dear People Who Know I am Behind You Attempting to Go Through a Set of Double Doors While Carrying a Set of Twins in Bucket Carriers:

There really is no reason to ask...

"Can I get the door for you?"

The answer is Yes, Yes, and Hell Yes - unless you want to videotape me attempting to go through the doors by myself and then post it on YouTube for giggles.  Guaranteed 100,000+ hits for sure as it has got to look stinkin' hilarious.

OK, that be the end of my "How to Approach a Mom with Infant Twins" public service announcement.

Secret Confession of a Pumper

Although it may be too much information to share here in cyberspace - I've been pumping.  For the past 9 weeks I've been spending quality time several times a day with my top of the line hospital grade breast pump.(That's right people - I just typed breast pump into cyberspace.) It's a rental, and its fabulous.  Fabulous in the sense that it is fast. And efficient.  I've never mastered the double "real-deal" feeding skills, and Baby Boy never got that good at it, so I mostly pump.

There are several reasons why I sacrifice my time and energy providing human milk for my offspring.

1 - It's the best stuff for them.  Apparently it boosts immunity, increases IQ, blesses children with Xray vision and ability to fly, etc.
2 - It's a truckload less expensive then buying formula.  Honestly, we may have to sell one of the older kids to finance the formula habit these new babies would develop if they ate it at every feeding.
3 - Ok - this is a shallow one, but it helps you loose the baby weight a heck of a lot quicker.  Feeding two extra people with my own body burns extra calories and makes it ok to have that extra bowl of ice cream at 11 pm when no one is watching.

But, to be honest one little perk that I didn't anticipate was secret reason number 4 for pumping.....

4 - The Alone Time

Yes

The All By Myself No One Bothering Me Ability to Ignore Screams of "Mom" Time Sitting on My Bed Stalking Facebook and Pinterest FreeCell Playing Time

See, no one is going to stop you when you say you have to go upstairs and pump.  Really, it's a bit taboo.  It's like I go upstairs and 15 minutes later I magically appear with milk.  Kinda like Fight Club - everyone knows what is happening but you don't talk about it.  No one wants to actually see what is happening - the reality of it is pretty darn gross.  So, all I have to do is say, "I gotta go pump." and the seas part, other adults start taking over, and the path to 15 minutes of solitude is cleared.

I lock the door, cozy up on the bed, hook myself up to an impersonal and awkward machine, and enjoy my time of quiet. And sometimes it takes me a really long time - you know how that pumping goes :)