Dear Jillian

Dear Jillian Michaels,

The past couple days, I've had the pleasure of spending some time completing your 30 Day Shred.  I am finding your workout fairly do-able for a mom of 5.  But, after completing the workout three times this past week, I discovered some aspects of exercise for a mom of young children that you have missed.  So, if you don't mind, I've reworked the exercise routine to make it more "mom" relatable.

Pre-Workout Prep
1 - Gather large pile of books and toys to keep 2 year old occupied (can do this at slow jog to start increasing heart rate)
2 - Place babies in cribs, pacifiers engaged, swaddled tight to ensure at least 20 minutes of sleep (while doing deep knee bends)
3 - Use restroom 3 times in attempt to empty bladder in hopes to avoid any "accidents" during workout (do leg lifts on potty to warm up calves)

Warm-Up
1-Arm Circles
2- Knee Circles
3- Arm Crosses
Interrupt at least three times to change over laundry, help toddler use the restroom, give toddler a fruit snack for successfully using the potty, and answer phone

Strength Section

1- Bicep Curls
After 5 curls, start encouraging your 2 year old to "Copy the lady on TV!" to entertain her since the large pile of toys and books have lost their mojo.
Run upstairs while continuing curls.  Continue curling with one arm while other puts paci back in screaming baby's mouth.
Squat/Shoulder press Combo
Begin section with argument with 2 year old about how "Mommy Needs the Hand-Weights Right Now!", chase her around living room, and wrestle weights away from her.  Attempt to catch up with exercises on screen after regaining control of hand-weights and ignoring screaming of 2 year old.
Repeat above exercises
.....stopping once to place toddler in time out since she again has stolen your hand weights after you asked her 3 times to leave them alone

Cardio
Jumping Jacks
Complete 1 minute of Jumping Jacks while crossing legs or holding legs tightly together to minimize stress on bladder
Butt Kicks
Do for 5 seconds when you realize baby upstairs is screaming again
Continue Butt Kicks while you run upstairs to put paci in baby's mouth and return downstairs
Go back upstairs again because other baby is now screaming - continue butt kicks but with minimal jostling as you carry baby downstairs and place in swing

Abs
Lay on ground and begin crunches
While crunching scoot on back over to swing and push button on fishy-mobile thing to try to distract baby, then remove toddler who has climbed on top of your stomach and yelled "horsey!" and resume crunches

Now, this is just a sampling of the additional aspects of the workout that I think you should include.  If you are interested in hearing more of my insights and ideas, I would be more than happy to outline those for Sections 2 and 3 of your workout routine.  Thanks so much for creating a short and effective workout routine that, in theory, should be perfect for moms like me.  Maybe I'll email you my before and after pictures once I have completed your workout plan - I am sure I will look pretty darn good once I Photoshop out the tummy stretch marks, dark circles under my eyes, and find a workout outfit that actually matches or doesn't have spit up on the shoulder.

Your faithful trainee,

Heather

Out in Public

I spent a little bit of time out in public this morning, and decided I needed to get the following information out there:

Dear People Who Think They are Hilarious When they See me out in Public Carrying 2 Babies in Infant Carriers:

"Boy, you've got your hands full!"  (Laugh laugh laugh)

is not really that original or funny.  You may think you are being clever or unique, but sadly you are not.

Dear People Who Ask Me the Following Question When they See me out in Public Carrying 2 Babies in Infant Carriers:

"Are they Twins?"

What else could they possibly be?  Why else would I be carrying 2 babies who are exactly the same size around in baby buckets? Do you think one is mine and I just borrowed the other one?

Dear People Who Look at Both Babies Usually Dressed in Pink and Blue and Then Ask:

"Are they identical?"

Their parts don't match - so no, they're not.  I suggest maybe a refresher course in anatomy, or biology, or something to that effect.....

Dear People Who Know I am Behind You Attempting to Go Through a Set of Double Doors While Carrying a Set of Twins in Bucket Carriers:

There really is no reason to ask...

"Can I get the door for you?"

The answer is Yes, Yes, and Hell Yes - unless you want to videotape me attempting to go through the doors by myself and then post it on YouTube for giggles.  Guaranteed 100,000+ hits for sure as it has got to look stinkin' hilarious.

OK, that be the end of my "How to Approach a Mom with Infant Twins" public service announcement.