Secret Confession of a Pumper

Although it may be too much information to share here in cyberspace - I've been pumping.  For the past 9 weeks I've been spending quality time several times a day with my top of the line hospital grade breast pump.(That's right people - I just typed breast pump into cyberspace.) It's a rental, and its fabulous.  Fabulous in the sense that it is fast. And efficient.  I've never mastered the double "real-deal" feeding skills, and Baby Boy never got that good at it, so I mostly pump.

There are several reasons why I sacrifice my time and energy providing human milk for my offspring.

1 - It's the best stuff for them.  Apparently it boosts immunity, increases IQ, blesses children with Xray vision and ability to fly, etc.
2 - It's a truckload less expensive then buying formula.  Honestly, we may have to sell one of the older kids to finance the formula habit these new babies would develop if they ate it at every feeding.
3 - Ok - this is a shallow one, but it helps you loose the baby weight a heck of a lot quicker.  Feeding two extra people with my own body burns extra calories and makes it ok to have that extra bowl of ice cream at 11 pm when no one is watching.

But, to be honest one little perk that I didn't anticipate was secret reason number 4 for pumping.....

4 - The Alone Time

Yes

The All By Myself No One Bothering Me Ability to Ignore Screams of "Mom" Time Sitting on My Bed Stalking Facebook and Pinterest FreeCell Playing Time

See, no one is going to stop you when you say you have to go upstairs and pump.  Really, it's a bit taboo.  It's like I go upstairs and 15 minutes later I magically appear with milk.  Kinda like Fight Club - everyone knows what is happening but you don't talk about it.  No one wants to actually see what is happening - the reality of it is pretty darn gross.  So, all I have to do is say, "I gotta go pump." and the seas part, other adults start taking over, and the path to 15 minutes of solitude is cleared.

I lock the door, cozy up on the bed, hook myself up to an impersonal and awkward machine, and enjoy my time of quiet. And sometimes it takes me a really long time - you know how that pumping goes :)

The Almighty Excuse

There are lots of disadvantages to having 5 kids.   But, I have realized that having 5 kids works as an excuse for all kinds of situations.....

"Hey - you're 20 minutes late!"
Sorry, I have 5 kids....

"Mam, do you realize you drove right through that stop sign?"
So sorry officer, but I have 5 kids....

"Is there any way you could volunteer to supervise a bunch of crazy kids on the class field trip?"
I would love to, but I have 5 kids....

"Hi mam - I am selling really crappy unattractive wrapping paper for my marching band's trip to Slovenia.  Would you like to buy some?"
Hmm, that sure is some nice paper, but I have no extra money since we have 5 kids....

"You are only supposed to have 10 items in this line, and you have 45."
So sorry - I didn't realize I was in the wrong lane.  I was distracted by my 5 kids.....

"Can you watch out-of-control bratty Johnny while I go get my nails done?"
Aw man, wish I could, but I have 5 kids....

"Mom, can you wash this shirt for tomorrow morning?"
Sorry buddy, but I have 5 kids....

"Why are we having cereal for dinner again?"
Duh - I have 5 kids......

"Do you realize there is some sort of fungus growing out of your toilets?"
I wish I had time to get that clean, but I have 5 kids

"Haven't you worn that pair of sweatpants 4 days in a row?"
Maybe - I have 5 kids....

"Do you realize you haven't updated your blog in almost a month?"
I have 5 kids....

Time to Make the MT Cool

I'm in that lovely post-pregnancy phrase that I like to refer to "If the Pants Fit, You Still Probably Shouldn't Wear Them".

You know - that time when you can JUST BARELY button or snap your pre-pregnancy pants closed, but when you do it creates an amazingly unattractive silhouette famously known as the....

drum roll please....

The Muffin Top!!!!

Yes, the dreaded post-pregnancy I'm in my old jeans! but they just squish everything up in weird places so I look like Snooki from Jersey Shore if I wear any shirts that touch any of my mid-section so I wear really large flowey shirts to attempt to cover up my body flaws phase.

And as I was getting dressed today, searching for an outfit that

A - fit
B - was comfortable
C - didn't make it look like I purchase all my clothes 3 sizes too small but am in denial so I wear them anyway
D- wasn't screaming "I Give Up - I'm Just Going to Wear Sweats the Rest of my Life"
E - hid the above mentioned Muffin Top

I thought to myself.....

"Wouldn't it be cool if I didn't have to hide this?  What if the post-pregnancy Muffin Top wasn't something to cover in shame, but something to be flaunted as a badge of honor?"

What if it was cool to have a Post-Pregnancy Muffin Top? Sorta like an intriguing tattoo, ripped biceps, a really bad-ass scar that told a story of your survival from some terrible accident, or a extremely cool haircut. One of those things that you wear with honor or pride - and that people comment about with envy.

"Pardon me mam - I don't mean to bother you.......but I noticed your Muffin Top there between your waistband and your form-fitting T-shirt.  I just wanted to tell you - it is AMAZING!  The way it squishes over the top of your pants is exquisite. You must have had a baby recently.  Thank you, thank you for sacrificing your body to bring a life (or two) into this world.  I wish I could have a Muffin Top like that too. You must be so proud."


Will you join me in the movement to make the Muffin Top cool - a hip new accessory that every woman can't live without and that every man desires?  Maybe I'll start a Facebook page or see if I can get some celebrities to twitter about it.  Or a hip public service commercial that goes viral on You Tube where Angelina Jolie talks about her Muffin Top after she had her twins and how sad she was when it went away.....

And then we post-pregnancy women can leave the house in the jeans we can just barely get snapped with our heads held high, Muffin Top hanging in the breeze, and know we are just a little bit cooler than everyone else because we have a bit extra jiggle in the middle.

Slow and Steady

I went for my first run today since who knows when.....

Ok, If I really think about it, it has been almost 9 or 10 months.  I did a half marathon last November, and I think that is the last time I propelled myself forward quicker than a walk.  For the last couple months, it really was more of a waddle.

Now, certain body parts have not been cooperating when it comes to running (ie- bladder), so I started off today at a quick walking pace.  I have walked several times since the twins were born, but this time I was jogging stroller-free thanks to my fabulous husband.  I had my music turned up loud, had nothing to push but myself, and I felt a bit free.

I got halfway through the first part of my normal three mile route, and a little thought creeped into my head....

"Maybe I could try to run for just a bit"


"Surely not!" said my practical side.  "You'll pee your pants, you'll die of exhaustion, your huge boobs will knock you out from the bouncing, people will laugh at your pathetic pace......"

"Just try it."


and so I did.

Now, I wasn't speedy by any stretch of the imagination.  In fact, I am sure if I had my Garmin on it would have started laughing at me instead of beeping when I hit each mile.  You probably couldn't even call it running - it was more of a slow, methodical trot.

And I walked up the big hill (ok, it's more of a slight incline).

And I walked when I hit my neighborhood entrance instead of methodical trotting to my house.

But I didn't take the shortcut by the school to cut off mileage

And I ran all the way around the park instead of cutting through

And I kept moving

And I didn't pee my pants (as far as I know - black shorts hide all kinds of mishaps ya know)

And when I got home I was sweaty and out of breath and tired and felt just a teeny weeny bit more like my old self.

Whaddya Doin?

So, where's the Hip Momma been?  Why no entertaining blog posts?  The massive throng of Hip Momma blog followers have been checking and re-checking this site, and yet no new posts in weeks.    So, what have you been up to one may ask.....

Well, I've been washing a lot of this.....

And changing a lot of these.....

And spending lots of time hanging out with a 2 year old in here, so she doesn't have to wear the above item any more.......

And not pulling up the sheets or covers on this.....Or sleeping very much in this......

 And doing a really bad job washing a lot of this.....

 And spending a lot of quality time hooked up to this....

(if you don't know what this is, don't ask)

And searching endlessly for these.......

 And trying to turn this.....

Into this.....

 That's what I've been doin'