Who Wears the Pants?

I think that God blesses women with what I have coined "Pregnancy Amnesia".  Basically, as time goes on and you move away from the pregnancy, you slowly forget all the things that really stunk about being pregnant.  That includes blacking out pushing a small person out of your woman parts, and then trying to recover from all the damage that the process caused.  If it weren't for this Pregnancy Amnesia, the world would be full of one-child families.  If anyone vividly remembered the whole experience, only mentally unstable women would choose to go through it again.

Well, one of the things Pregnancy Amnesia erased for me was how much I HATE maternity pants.  In the past couple weeks, I have had to dive full force into the maternity gear, and the memories of ill-filling pants have come flooding back. 

Gravity and physics are fighting against the all-mighty maternity pant.  You can put in the strongest elastic known to man and use it to bind the waist-band in all types of ways, but those stinkin pants just can't stay up.  You can put a thick strip of elastic just under your belly, pull a thin layer of it over your belly, or any combination of the two.  No matter the effort, after an hour of two of wear, you get the sense that your pants are slowly sliding to the floor.

I have resigned myself to the fact that when wearing maternity pants, you have to choose between two looks:  The Plumber or The Erkel.  You spend your day in constant limbo between the two.  Pants slowly sliding down, crotch sagging to your knees, crack at risk of being exposed – gotta pull ‘em up.  Yank them up as high as they will go to give you a little extra time before they start sliding again. It’s a vicious cycle that you spend your day going through. 

So, if you see me constantly hiking my pants up, wearing my pants higher than is fashionably acceptable, or showing more skin on the backside when I bend down than is pleasant, please know its not my fault.  It’s a little bit gravity, a little bit physics, and a lot that maternity pants just stink.